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Thursday, January 21
3 more days until my 4th annivesry with dhirar, i couldnt sleep lastnight.. i dont know why latley the memories have just played at the back of my mind constantly until i fall into my deep sleeps at 3AM. I feel as if im not human anymore, sometimes i feel like a ghost, nights i just want to lay down on the trampoline and gaze at the stars and the shining moon. How my hearts tells me, keep on loving him because you'll meet him again. Its such a strong feeling i cant resist, i love him.. I cant help it, but to put the fishes that ive caught back into the sea. I feel as if im not single and his still mine im still him? but whyy! we've broken up. I want him to be happy.. even if it means he might date the girl that once hurt him many times. If that what makes him happy.. so be it. even though im drowning from tears in the heart. Allah, only you know my feelings towards him. I cant talk to anyone about these feelings anymore, because i know only one understands these feelings and thats Allah. everyone tells me the exzact same thing which is "your still young" stick to the modern life, and its apart of growing up that we fall inlove. If we can do anything.. and everything else like take drugs, drink, go to clubs i see no crime in falling in deep love. To tell you the truth, i replace those sins with falling in love. I know i look desperate .. but its a feeling that i cant help but rewind.. and repeat. yea he was nice yea he made me feel special yea he respected me yea he had the looks that matched wht i wanted my babies to look like (dont ask) yea he never lied yea he was a virgin yea he made me smile alot but i know all guys can do this.. weither they are like that or they can just fake it so us girls fall in their trap. but theres something about dhirar that i cry,scream,yell,need,pray for. He has something within him that pulls me towards him, and makes the heart put hope and say "ayu move on with life, but not with love" it hurts to see him flirt with other girls, but i know that makes him happy. flirting is no longer in my dictionary, never to be used until i feel the rope has loosen. i feel so tied, my feelings towards him are so stronggggg... YA ALLAH TOLONG LAH HAMBAMU INI YA ALLAH. if he is the one for me,, then alhamdulilah.. but if he isint, he wont be the past that id want to erase, if i ever loose my memory, his the memory i wont want to loose. even if i was married with 4 kids.. i want me and dhirars memory to be playing at the back of my mind. I know its wrong to be thinking about someone else when ur married.. but its apart of me that tells me "ayu.. you'll be with him not now but later..." |
"The girl who dreams bigs , forgets today remembers tomorrow tough outside so warm inside . 19 educated imature little boo!" So blessed to have such a beautiful family , a paying career and a brain that functions quiet well As life is always known as a journey I would call mine a ride on an ever lasting Roller Coaster. I hope your the last , baby  June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2012 December 2012 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 The Romance - Ku Ingin Kamu New Version |
