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Saturday, January 23
Youvve been running through my mind its driving my sleeps away! are u not happy? are u doing something that is hurting me or anyone? jiwa aku tak tenang! Thursday, January 21 3 more days until my 4th annivesry with dhirar, i couldnt sleep lastnight.. i dont know why latley the memories have just played at the back of my mind constantly until i fall into my deep sleeps at 3AM. I feel as if im not human anymore, sometimes i feel like a ghost, nights i just want to lay down on the trampoline and gaze at the stars and the shining moon. How my hearts tells me, keep on loving him because you'll meet him again. Its such a strong feeling i cant resist, i love him.. I cant help it, but to put the fishes that ive caught back into the sea. I feel as if im not single and his still mine im still him? but whyy! we've broken up. I want him to be happy.. even if it means he might date the girl that once hurt him many times. If that what makes him happy.. so be it. even though im drowning from tears in the heart. Allah, only you know my feelings towards him. I cant talk to anyone about these feelings anymore, because i know only one understands these feelings and thats Allah. everyone tells me the exzact same thing which is "your still young" stick to the modern life, and its apart of growing up that we fall inlove. If we can do anything.. and everything else like take drugs, drink, go to clubs i see no crime in falling in deep love. To tell you the truth, i replace those sins with falling in love. I know i look desperate .. but its a feeling that i cant help but rewind.. and repeat. yea he was nice yea he made me feel special yea he respected me yea he had the looks that matched wht i wanted my babies to look like (dont ask) yea he never lied yea he was a virgin yea he made me smile alot but i know all guys can do this.. weither they are like that or they can just fake it so us girls fall in their trap. but theres something about dhirar that i cry,scream,yell,need,pray for. He has something within him that pulls me towards him, and makes the heart put hope and say "ayu move on with life, but not with love" it hurts to see him flirt with other girls, but i know that makes him happy. flirting is no longer in my dictionary, never to be used until i feel the rope has loosen. i feel so tied, my feelings towards him are so stronggggg... YA ALLAH TOLONG LAH HAMBAMU INI YA ALLAH. if he is the one for me,, then alhamdulilah.. but if he isint, he wont be the past that id want to erase, if i ever loose my memory, his the memory i wont want to loose. even if i was married with 4 kids.. i want me and dhirars memory to be playing at the back of my mind. I know its wrong to be thinking about someone else when ur married.. but its apart of me that tells me "ayu.. you'll be with him not now but later..." Monday, January 18 Bismillah.... ya illahi, ya allah ya tuhanku.. ampunillah dosaku, kebodohanku, dan kelakuan ayu yang melewati batas2. Ayu bukanlah ahli syurga, dan juga ayu tak mampu menahan siksa neraka. ampunilah dosa dosa ku, hanya lah engkau maha pengampunan dosa dosa ku... 2 injuries in 4 weeks.. First injury Deepcut in my ankle (right foot): Well this is the story... i was about to solat ishak just after taking my wudu and my mirror was facing where i needed to solat.. so i picked it up and the mirror fell down on my ankle and started bleeding. trust me i wasnt trying to commit sucside -.-, didnt get to solat ishal because the bleeding was continueus. soooo, had to rush to hospital. and the doctors decided not to stiicth it up but glue it. hmm sounds normal? well i thought the doctor was mucking around. its the 4th week now and my bandage is off... but the hole hasnt quiet closed yettt. but yay! i get to solat normally noww... well, for a while. Second injury Toe nail got pulled of (right foot) YES AGAIN! : was walking thru the work door. and the door hit my toe, ouch! DIdnt think it was anything until i saw my toe bleeding.. the nail was kinda still on and i could pull it up and see my skinn.. yes i knw what your thinking.. luckly there was minyak gamat there so the delivary lady helped clean my toe for me. to not look like a complete blondde, i didnt bother going to the clinic , so when i clean it. i have to put it in hot water and stick minyak gamat on in. and yes i cant solat propely again!. here goes sitting on the chair again. I guess all of thhis happened to me for the dosa i did before these injuries occured. hmm whats ayu talking about? THE D R EAM: the night i broke up with my lover Mohd dhirar , i had a dream.. it was me , dhirar and the mystery man. i was in the masjid facing this man he was in white and i couldnt see his face, his face was glowwing and he was so shiny!.. i was facing this guy and i was wearing black, and hijab (well it was in the masjid) and dhirar was standing next to him. the man was looking at me , facing me and i could tell he was telling me something serious. later the dream skipped and i was looking out the window with a baby in my hand. ayu.. it sounds like a normal dream to me?? .. this is how much the dream changed me.. i now want to wear tudung. i cant stand not solat. i dont care about the internet anymore i deleted myspace and facebook when i get my rags, period, datang bulan.. i have hissy fits because i cant solat. i guess this is the anwser most people are asking from me., but i cant be stuffed telliing everyone one by one. Breakup: My relationship with dhirar started on the 24th September 2009 and ended on the 3rd of december 09. A pretty short yet amazing relationship. the truth is, i still love him.. i dont care about what people are saying about me, or weither i dont get the love i want back. hanya tuhan yang tahu how much i love him, and how much he means to me. Yea im young, yea im still studying but.. it'll be and it shall be. the only thing that can stop this love is tuhan. got to admit it was stressing .. it was worth alot of my tears. but no blame no shame hey his still in my heart, as much as a mum would love their daughter or son. is how much i still love him, i cant explain it in words, yet i cant prove it to anyone.. hanya tuhan yang tahu.. and only he can understand.. I want to be with dhirar, but maybe masa tk izinkan? who knows .. Kita hanya merancang tuhan yang menentukan. i seek guidence and support from tuhan, and ive seen alot of changes through this. Insyallah it would be such a gud gift if all the other muslims could go into the right path and seek forgiveness from tuhan.. were only here for a while on earth, akhirat is the real life.. Thursday, January 14 I cant explain the hurt in words tapi ayu redha , ada sesuatu yang akan buat ayu gembira dibelakang kesedihan dan kepiluan ini. Ayu redha.. Ya allah, beri aku ketabahan.. amin |
"The girl who dreams bigs , forgets today remembers tomorrow tough outside so warm inside . 19 educated imature little boo!" So blessed to have such a beautiful family , a paying career and a brain that functions quiet well As life is always known as a journey I would call mine a ride on an ever lasting Roller Coaster. I hope your the last , baby  June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2012 December 2012 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 The Romance - Ku Ingin Kamu New Version |
